In other news, I am recovering from surgery faster than anticipated, even though I pushed myself too hard yesterday and am really feeling it today.
In other news, I am recovering from surgery faster than anticipated, even though I pushed myself too hard yesterday and am really feeling it today.
I made the mistake of link-wandering and found myself in my exwife’s LiveJournal today. I was curious to see if she ever though of me these days so I scanned though and I found two horrifying entries describing a past that just never was. The things she said about me were so horrible and so far from the way things really were that I felt betrayed and harmed and I let myself fall into a malaise.
My first action was to document the two entries and make sure that they were recorded as they where entered in case she later changed them. I then researched the law and discovered that Colorado and Florida both have felony libel laws that I could invoke. After going through old police reports, letters to our lawyer from when we were fighting the Colorado legal system, as well as photos, documents, and even chat logs from the time we were together and shortly after our divorce, I was quite sure I had everythign I would need to persue such a case. Yet as much as her lies are hurting me right now, at this time I cannot bring myself to do this and know the irreparable damage such an action would cause to her life and her dreams. The option will remain open to me and if I am forced to take it I will, but for now I decided upon another path.
kupok and frynge both tried to console me; both of them telling me how she wasn’t worth the pain I was in. Of course, they were right. So I sat down with the intention to write an entry of my own and counter everything she said with my own views on the events, backed up by scans of pictures, love notes, legal papers, and so on. The more I thought about it, the more it just seemed petty and not worth the effort. While her lies deeply hurt me, I guess I simply pity her more than anything. For me, her memories are lies and I can document a great deal of my version of the truth, but for her, she truly believes that things happened like she wrote them and that life with me really was the nightmare she describes. That is so sad.
To conclude this journal entry, I shall transmute the pain and hurt that she has caused me and instead or lashing out I shall list some of the good things that she has directly or indirectly manifested in my life.
- My religious awakening from Christianity to Paganism
- My affiliation with Starmoon coven
- My polyamorous lifestyle
- My enjoyment of John Denver’s music
- My enjoyment of Piers Anthony’s Xanth series
- My acceptance of my own bisexuality
- My unbroken vow that I would never be in another physically abusive relationship again
- My joy at reading that our cats Skyclad and Merlin were still alive and with her, though I am sad at not seeing Plato’s name and I hope that his passing was gentle
- And most importantly: her driving me to perform the ritual suicide and magial rites necessary to start my life over which has led to many wonderful lovers and especially to my mate Kupok, without whom I would have little reason left to care about anyone or anything.
Maybe in another ten years I will have healed enough that I will be able to go to our high school class reunion without fear and dread of the possibility of interacting with her. Unfortunately, as long as she truly believes the lies she writes about our past together, I dare not risk such an encounter and the drama it would bring. As much as I hate to admit this, despite all the pain and torment still in my own heart from our turbulent five-year marriage, a part of me still cares for her and is sad to see how cruel life and karma have been to her.
I feel very sad for Lasca for her loss. Unfortunately it brings back a lot of thoughts of when my dad was killed in 2001 and then the dread of the day when Kupok or I get such a call. Though we have grown apart, I still have a strong attachment to my mom and I know her death will hit me much harder than Dad's did.
I am at a loss of anything further to say. There is a lot that has happened since my last post so long ago, but I just don't have the heart to write about any of it right now.
Thanks to kupok I have averted the depression spiral that was threatening to take me places I did NOT want to go. Once the depression was back to a level my Welbutrin could handle, my creativity returned. I am even considering taking a laptop and going to sketch night and seeing if the creative energies there will inspire me to write more on my novel.
A little later I hope to make another post with the scans of my con badges!
TO KNOW ME
To know me sense me for that will draw your attention to me.
To know me see me for that will allow you to recognize me.
To know me hear me for that is a gateway to my thoughts.
To know me touch me for that will make me real.
To know me smell me for that is the way of the wolf.
To know me taste me for that is the kiss of my passion.
To know me love me for then we two have become one.
To know me remember me for now I run with the wolves.
September 6, 1998
I am so sorry, Borni.
The convention had done it; my creativity was restored! But it did not last. I have not written a single word on the novel since the convention and I have fallen into a deep depression and have lost almost all of my creative urges. I know you understand depression and its effects on creativity, so I hope that you can forgive me. I do not know when or if I shall ever be able to write again – it could be tomorrow, it could be never.
I made a mistake. Until it is confirmed to me that I have corrected myself, my entry about the weekend's convention has been indefinitely switched to private.
I sincerely offer my apologies to all who have been wronged.
R'tik Shadow Wolf
John Duane Rice
The mistake has been rectified and all is resolved between myself and the person who pointed out my indiscression.
Several months ago, I offered to pay Borni’s entrance to the con if he would come and join us. I had even spoke to the con chair about special recognition for him (the guests of honor were already selected). Unfortunately, due to his health and his monetary situation (even with me paying his admittance), Borni declined. I was saddened, but life went on.
Unfortunately, this old mutt failed to pre-register and when the convention came around I was in a state of financial disaster. My general-use credit card is currently maxed out and my checking/savings accounts are depleted. Still, I had promised Kupok that he would get to go no matter what. Then it hit me: I have been denying myself many things to help get out of debt so that I can enjoy life. It is foolish to be worried so much about being able to enjoy life in the future to let something like Colorado’s very first furry convention pass me by. I decided that I would make sure that I could go as well. Unfortunately, I did not have the resources to do the same for Kit and Frynge. Fortunately for them, they had someone else pay their way for Saturday attendance.
Kupok and I left work early on Friday and got ourselves registered and oriented to the convention lay out. We saw two local artists who were offering con badges for $5 each so Kupok and I each had one artist do a badge. Kupok has his DS, which was very fortunate as we were able to show the artists a recent image Soro did for us so that they could use it as a reference.
I went to the internet lounge, created an empty RDP file so that I could remote to my server (as the RDP menu item was removed form the internet lounge computers). I then found the images I wanted, copied them to my server, changed IIS to allow directory browsing for the directory I put them in, then from the local computer I used their browser to download the images I needed. They were then transferred to Kupok’s USB adapter and then to his DS.
I found myself frequently returning to the artists and hanging out near them, feeding on their creativity and thinking about my writing. Finally, I decided that the next day would see me take a laptop to the convention. Around 9 or so, Kupok and I went home.
Before even leaving the house there was a bit of minor drama involving Kit and Frynge and their finances, but I came up with the solution to everyone’s woes. We drove two vehicles to the Alameda park-and-ride, then everyone got in the Blazer and I dropped Frynge, Kit, and Kupok off at the hotel and then drove back to the park-and-ride where I took the light rail back to the convention. Problem solved!
Kupok and I decided to have the opposite of the two artists do our badges, so we each ended up with a badge from each of the two artists. It was great! I also spoke with one of them (Flynn) about a special commission for me. I am very excited about it and I will share more about it in the future.
The 4 of us attended the “meet the guests” event and then we pretty much went our separate ways. Kupok ended up spending most of his time in the gaming room and after spending most of the day basking in the creativity in the dealer’s room, I setup my laptop upstairs and set about working on my novel.
I ended up calling Borni at home and we probably chatted for about ½ hour before my phone batteries died. That was all it took. For the rest of the convention I was primed to continue working on my novel, but I did more than just work on my novel!
A somewhat famous fursonality known as Uncle Kage was the first person to register for the convention. I had heard his name mentioned so often and had been told several things about him by Frynge and Kupok, so I finally mustered up the nerve and I approached him and introduced myself to him and told him that I had been told he was a person I should get to know. He seemed delighted, asked if I was a drinking man and when I answered in the affirmative, he handed me a small bottle of wine and said that he hated to drink alone.
We then sat there for nearly 30 minutes drinking wine and having a wonderful conversation. I honestly had no idea what he was famous for and he seemed to find that refreshing or at the very least amusing. I was quite impressed when I learned he was the “owner” of Anthrocon. Near the end of our conversation we were told that alcohol was not allowed in the area we were in. Fortunately there was no trouble beyond that and we quickly finished our drinks. However, he did tell me some things that got me worrying about the future of the convention and even though I was not an organizer or even a volunteer, I spent the rest of the day and most of Sunday with his warnings and tales of convention woe running through my head. Fortunately when I spoke with Kahuki about my fears on Sunday, he informed me the convention was already prepared to deal with the possibility. That was a relief!
Later Uncle Kage was back up in the area with a crowed gathered around him as he told stories in the campfire area. I was writing on my novel and listening to him at the same time. It was rather entertaining and enlightening. Around 10 PM I shut down my laptop and went up to a friend's room and borrowed his shower for the private party that was being hosted there.
TMI WARNING!!! The following paragraph is being posted in a black on black format to protect those who do not want to read explicit details. Highlight it to read it.
|While the turnout was smaller than I would have hoped, we had fun nonetheless. I ended up having someone unexpectedly urinate into my muzzle a bit while I was sucking him off, and to my great surprise and pleasure I was able to swallow it!!! It helped that we were in 69-position and that he was on top of me. Unfortunately both guys I played with were exhausted and each of them fell asleep cuddled up to me. Kupok had a mild friction burn from his activities so he could not yiff me, but right before bed I yiffed him! It was nothing like my birthday orgy, but it was fun.|
By the time the above-referenced event was over, the light rail system was no longer running and we were more or less stranded at the hotel. I had alternatives to get to my Blazer, but fortunately Kupok and I were allowed to use the bed and we actually got in nearly 6 hours sleep before Sunday started.
Even with about 6 hours sleep, which is my normal amount, I was a zombie for a lot of Sunday. I did not have my depression & ADD medication with me and as they are both stimulants, without them I tend to be really low-energy. Regardless, I kept sitting near the campfire area working on my novel. By the end of the convention I had 69 pages of story content and a little over 40,000 words!
Later in the day I picked up my second badge and Kit’s badge. They were wonderful, as expected! Other than that, I didn’t share in any of Sunday’s few activities. Kupok again spent most of the day and the gaming room and seemed to have a great time. He was planning on attending an after-con room event, but it fizzled, so we took the light rail back to the park-and-ride, got the Blazer, and then came back so I could load out Kahuki’s monitors for him, as they had no arrangements made to get them home.
Unlike the Science Fiction and BDSM conventions I have attended, I left this convention sad, not wanting it to be over. There is so much energy and creativity in the furry fandom that I truly felt at home there. I now understand why so many people go form con to con no matter what the cost. If it were possible, I could imagine myself doing the same thing, but it will be at least this time next year, maybe even 2009 before I am able to vacation out of state again.
To explain the second half of the title of this entry, we must go back in time. Long before I knew I was a furry, I had a fascination with wolves. Sometime shortly after Hunky died, I was given a small wolf’s tail. For the rest of my high school years that tail hung on the wall. It went with me to college, again hanging on my wall. Throughout my life I always had that tail.
When I became pagan, I made the tail a ritual accessory. When I entered the furry fandom, I would wear the tail. Even in the BDSM world, I was known for wearing my tail (even if I was completely naked otherwise).
Not too long ago the tip of the tail fell off, and during this convention I noticed that it was starting to look more and more ratty. It was then that the cause dawned on me. I’ve had the tail since I was sixteen and I am 36. That means it is over 20 years old. The denim belt-loop that was made to prevent further damage to the tail caused by being worn has again separated form the leather. It is now time that I permanently retire my precious wolf tail from any and all use, save for hanging on the wall and being worn during rituals.
At least I bought a new tail a few years ago at Dragonfest, but this new tail does not have the personal history and bond that my old one did. After all, I knew the animal that my old tail came from. The new tail came from a vendor. Even though she is pagan and acquires her tails and bones from tribal hunters, it does not have the same spiritual connection.
For now, that is all, but maybe more soon.
P.S. I was hoping to post my con badges, but I do not current have access to a scanner and I want to get this message up, so I will try to scan them at home or perhaps tomorrow and post them in a separate entry.
In short: sex drive dead, D&D games going well, been sick too much, financial & work stress getting to me, strained myself pretty bad pouring cement, got news that my maternal grandmother wont be with us much longer, and most importantly: I LOVE YOU KUPOK!!!
For the verbose version:
Ever since Kupok went to Washington for a week, my sex drive has really decreased, with the exception of a few days of hyperdrive when an old love of mine was visiting with us. I have now avoided several opportunities for play, with the exception of play with Kupok, but that doesn’t happen very often anyway so it can’t really count. This old mutt hasn’t even pawed off since Sunday night and don’t really feel the desire to right now.
My biweekly D&D game has happened for like 3 weeks in a row and everyone is having a great time. I have even been trying to do a little more pre-game work and have some more neat surprises ready for the party, though this continues to be a mostly improvisational campaign. (My ability to do improve games was a great asset back in 90/91 when I officially did online games for TSR on GEnie.)
Some of it has been the fuck-it flu, but I have been genuinely ill too much as of late. It is strange – the more I do to try to get healthy the more often I am ill. Ah well. At least right now I have been over things for several days and I am doing well. Hopefully my health will last for (and through) this weekend’s convention!
As always, I am experiencing a lot of financial stress. I know that I will be stressed out over my finances for at least another year or two, until I have Home Depot and Citibank credit card paid off. Home Depot was down to $200 (from the $3,500 it was this time last year), but I just put $180 back onto it to pour cement over the 3-day weekend. Unfortunately I might have to put more on it in a few weeks as I lost some more tiles in the downstairs shower and I am going to have to wear all the tile work out and redo it (but not with tile!). With three people in the house currently unemployed, any household repairs or emergencies come out of my pocket. One of the three is close to getting a job, but being delayed. So far there are no strong offers for the other two, but I keep hoping they will get lucky. One of them especially needs the self confidence of finally getting a job and having fully reintegrated into society, even if it is no more than a fast food gig. Anyway, as it is, I am going to have to use credit to pay for Kupok and me to attend the convention this weekend, plus anything we wish to buy. Still, this is Denver’s first furry convention and I am not going to miss it!!! Plus I have been too anti-social as of late and I hope this will help.
As I mentioned, we poured cement over the weekend. The plan was to rest Friday and prep for the D&D game Friday night and Saturday day. Saturday we were to play. Sunday we were to pour cement. Monday I was to have lunch with my Mom and heal. What happened was a hard drive failure in our backup RAID at work on Friday while moving to a new server caused me to have a cascading chain of problems that led to me being at work until around 9:30 AM Saturday (22 hours). I couldn’t really run a game Saturday but I was able to get some prep work done. We ran the game Sunday, playing for 11 hours! Monday Kupok and I met with my mom and my cousin (with her 18-month old daughter) for lunch. That is when I heard about my grandmother’s condition (more below). After that Kupok and I went to home depot and I bought a pallet of 60-pound bags of cement mix. Did you know that 56 60-pound bags weigh too much for a 1986 Ford Ranger? I hadn’t done the math. But we did it in 2 loads. With Kupok’s help moving bags of cement (about three times total) BJ and I poured nearly 2,000 pounds dry-weight of concrete. Needless to say, I have been in physical agony all week as this was the first major use of my muscles this year.
My maternal grandmother was once a teacher and always a scientist and intellectual. Several years back when she said to me that she didn’t want to learn anything new anymore, I knew that she was tired of life and ready to die. As a life-long chain smoker, she has destroyed her body at the early age of 76. She ended up in the hospital twice last week, is refusing to use the oxygen, still smoking, and only half her heart is working. The doctors offered hospice, which is usually only offered when life expectancy is less than 6 months, and that was assuming that she would use the oxygen. To make matters worse, she had a minor heart attack when her father died, the day before my wedding back in 1993. One of her sisters, with whom she was very close, died not too long ago and on the 11th there is going to be a memorial service for her in Colorado. There is a very valid fear that the emotional strain will be too much and she will pass out of this life at that time. My grandfather would already be dead, but he has been holding on for her. Once she is gone, I expect him to go off his heart medication and go for one last hike in the mountains. His death will DEVASTATE my mother, who still hasn’t fully recovered from my father’s death back in 2001. Next weekend I am planning for Kupok and I to be driving over to Montrose to see my maternal grandparents for what will probably be the last time. My paternal grandmother will not be in the area, so I will miss out on seeing her, but then her health is fairly stable right now and I hope to have many more visits with her before she crosses into the next reality.
I can never say often enough just how much I love Kupok and how much he means to me. My favorite slave/pet of all time, Soro, did an absolutely wonderful furry commission of Kupok and I together. I so need to get it printed out and on the door to our room (at least until the original arrives), which will get framed and hung. I wish I could find some laser-printer iron-on shirt transfers; I’d use the image to make Kupok and I each a shirt for one of the days of the convention!!!
And there you have it.
I am quite sure that it helped push my point across that I was serious about leaving here because I came dressed for a job interview and depending on how things went, I was going to go to TekSystems and speak with one of their recruiters. (I have had 3 major jobs though TekSystems since moving to Denver in 1998.)
We ended with me telling her I want to drop back to 75 hours a week and in a month or two, back to 70 hours a week. I also stated to her that because of the outcome of the talk we had, my visit to TekSystems today will be to seek only additional employment, not a complete replacement. I do want a part-time, preferably telecommuting job that I can use to expand upon my programming skills. Eventually I want to go back to 60 hours a week here and 2 hours a week or so doing remote programming. I just don’t know if I am good enough... yet... to get hired as a programmer.
- William and Johnny-dog:
- Who is supposed to respond to IT Help e-mails.
- What is your standard response time for IT Help requests
- Why the below request has not been accomplished 8 days after the request and why Christine has not been notified that the request not been done.
It is totally unacceptable that Christine’s April 23 request has not yet been addressed. Both IT staffers have been in the office all week last week and during the day yesterday. This request needs to be satisfied as soon as you arrive today, Tuesday, May 1.
I would like an explanation from each of you, William and Johnny-dog, today, as to:
IT staff needs to be accountable to get their work done, just as every other staff member is held accountable. Why does service continue to be inferior when our staff asks IT Help to perform tasks?
I expect to receive an email response from both of you. Thank you.
Kupok has put in several more job applications because of this and I had to fight very hard to keep from walking into her office, telling her off, and walking off the job.
This whole experience got Kupok and I talking about moving away again. He would like to go to Washington (I love Washington, except for what it does to my allergies) or, preferably, get out of this country before it is too late. I dream of leaving also, but I keep finding myself tried here.
- I am a 4th generation Colorado native who has lived in this state for all but 2 months of my life (those two were in Washington).
- I am co-owner of a house with my High Priest (who has a limited fixed income due to being on permanent disability and nearing retirement age) and he does not want to leave the country or move to a colder climate.
- I have my 7 year-old dog, Pan, that I would not want to leave behind if I moved to another country, which if I we do move to another country, even if I can bring him, we will most likely end up living in an apartment and that is not a good environment for a large dog like him.
- If we do go overseas, then I will probably have to leave most of my earthly belongings behind and return to apartment living, which is something I greatly despise.
- I have a phenomenal amount of earthly belongings I have built up over the years, some of which would be very hard to move cross-country and nearly impossible to move overseas, such as the 1963 Chevy Impala Convertible that I inherited, but that currently is not in a running condition.
- I still have about $35,500 in regular debt and $22,500 in student loans that I am trying to pay off, preventing me from being able to afford the kind of lifestyle I want and/or save up the kind of funding necessary to make a major move.
All in all this left me feeling like I am holing Kupok back and that his relationship with me is costing him his happiness. The guilt of this mixed with the anger/upset of the email at work and I am miserable. I spent a lot of last night and this morning trying to hide my tears and just withdraw from everyone.
EDIT (from the end of my private entry):
When I got home I forgot I had made a promise to do some computer work, so I had to take care of that.
I took a nap and when I got up I did 6 or more loads of laundry and did a MAJOR cleanup job on my and Kupok's bedroom. Kupok did a lot of work cleaning up the kitchen and the bathroom. Hopefully tomorrow Kupok and Kit can get the living room area and the D&D area cleaned up and looking good.
I am not sure if I will post Saturday, but expect to hear more about things on Sunday!!!
A week ago, I had used my Sears card to get Kupok an eye examination and glasses. When I opened my Sears account information I happened to notice the interest charge from a previous purchase and thought it was way out of line. Looking further I saw that my Sears card had an unbelievable 30.14% APR. WTF!!!? I had paid the card in full numerous times and had not been late in payment for quite some time. I called them and was informed that their interest rates were not negotiable. Most credit cards have negotiable interest rates and since Citibank owns Sears credit now and Citibank negotiated a much lower interest rate for me, I was quite upset by this. I demanded a supervisor and told them that they had two choices; lower the interest rate or loose a customer. They gladly closed my account and I ended the call with a “You and Sears can both go to Hell and get fucked!” Yes, I know that was immature of me. I decreased my planned payment to Home Depot (also owned by Citibank) by $700 and paid Sears in full, then shredded the credit card. I am now boycotting Sears and K-Mart.
( Click here for all the booring details of my fucked up finances! )IN CONCLUSION:
With all of this, it is easy to see how I can be living from paycheck to paycheck even though I make $29.00/hour. For many years I have been – and for many more years to come I will be – paying for past financial blunders, mostly involving high interest credit card debt and getting thrice-screwed in bad automobile deals. All I can do now is plug away at it and hope that I find some way to speed up the process.
IMPORTANT: while I am calling this an orgy, sex and nudity are not required, but understand that I plan on spending my birthday in my birthday suit. ;)
Kupok and I would appreciate input as to what other activities (besides any yiffy play that might happen) everyone would enjoy? We have a projector setup on a wall (77" wide display) that we can put on movies and/or play video games. We have music. We have some board games. There will be snacks and maybe even more substantial food.
And now for the rest...
I am not that great at organizing parties, but Kupok and I are starting to get things together. The party will be Saturday, March 17th (St. Patrick's Day) and will start around 3 PM and run until whenever. (My actual birthday is March 20th.)
Our address is 15195 Maxwell Place (80239) which is about 2 miles north of the Otters' place if you know where that is.
My cell doesn't get signal in the basement, so our home phone is 303-317-6298 if you need directions or to contact us for something.
I'd love to get RSVP from everyone planning to attend, just so I can try to make sure and have enough snacks/food for everyone.
Feel free to bring alcohol if you wish, but if you are too drunk, *I* will not be yiffy with you. Sorry, just one of my (few) limitations.
PLEASE NOTE: We do have 2 large dogs and a cat if you have allergies. We will try to get the pets upstairs (the party will be in the basement).
I am sure I have forgotten a lot, but Kupok and/or I will post here if there is anything additional.
( TMI WARNING: )