johnny_dog: (neutral)
[personal profile] johnny_dog

I made the mistake of link-wandering and found myself in my exwife’s LiveJournal today. I was curious to see if she ever though of me these days so I scanned though and I found two horrifying entries describing a past that just never was. The things she said about me were so horrible and so far from the way things really were that I felt betrayed and harmed and I let myself fall into a malaise.

My first action was to document the two entries and make sure that they were recorded as they where entered in case she later changed them. I then researched the law and discovered that Colorado and Florida both have felony libel laws that I could invoke. After going through old police reports, letters to our lawyer from when we were fighting the Colorado legal system, as well as photos, documents, and even chat logs from the time we were together and shortly after our divorce, I was quite sure I had everythign I would need to persue such a case. Yet as much as her lies are hurting me right now, at this time I cannot bring myself to do this and know the irreparable damage such an action would cause to her life and her dreams. The option will remain open to me and if I am forced to take it I will, but for now I decided upon another path.

[info]kupok and [info]frynge both tried to console me; both of them telling me how she wasn’t worth the pain I was in. Of course, they were right. So I sat down with the intention to write an entry of my own and counter everything she said with my own views on the events, backed up by scans of pictures, love notes, legal papers, and so on. The more I thought about it, the more it just seemed petty and not worth the effort. While her lies deeply hurt me, I guess I simply pity her more than anything. For me, her memories are lies and I can document a great deal of my version of the truth, but for her, she truly believes that things happened like she wrote them and that life with me really was the nightmare she describes. That is so sad.

To conclude this journal entry, I shall transmute the pain and hurt that she has caused me and instead or lashing out I shall list some of the good things that she has directly or indirectly manifested in my life.

  • My religious awakening from Christianity to Paganism
  • My affiliation with Starmoon coven
  • My polyamorous lifestyle
  • My enjoyment of John Denver’s music
  • My enjoyment of Piers Anthony’s Xanth series
  • My acceptance of my own bisexuality
  • My unbroken vow that I would never be in another physically abusive relationship again
  • My joy at reading that our cats Skyclad and Merlin were still alive and with her, though I am sad at not seeing Plato’s name and I hope that his passing was gentle
  • And most importantly: her driving me to perform the ritual suicide and magial rites necessary to start my life over which has led to many wonderful lovers and especially to my mate Kupok, without whom I would have little reason left to care about anyone or anything.
If I were even a fraction of the monster that she now makes me out to be, I cannot fathom why she would have asked to have had her handfasting in my house, with me not only attending but one of the officiating priests, and with her and her kind and soft-spoken mate staying in the bedroom beside my own. I am still sorry my puppy ate one of her shoes.

Maybe in another ten years I will have healed enough that I will be able to go to our high school class reunion without fear and dread of the possibility of interacting with her. Unfortunately, as long as she truly believes the lies she writes about our past together, I dare not risk such an encounter and the drama it would bring. As much as I hate to admit this, despite all the pain and torment still in my own heart from our turbulent five-year marriage, a part of me still cares for her and is sad to see how cruel life and karma have been to her.

Date: 2009-12-28 12:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It sounds as if much of her suffering is self-inflicted, though she would never admit it. But I am glad you didn't pursue libel action against her. It would have been painful for the both of you and in her own mind would only enforce what she apparently believes now. Only those who don't know you would believe those lies, so what should it matter to you? You have nothing to gain by dredging up the past, but much to lose.

Date: 2009-12-28 08:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
In the past,before her own version of reality became as twisted as it is now, her tales of how abusive and violent I was were already causing me prejudices in the pagan community. I believe they also served to chill the passion and trust in one furson whom I was deeply in love with but the latter is only speculation.

Date: 2009-12-28 03:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I didn't get the jest of Kupoks entry till I did a double take and realized that the other one allegedly was about you. Well having only met you at your home during a rough spot in your life and seeing how calm you were despite being under tense pressure regarding something like paying for your home and seeing how that didn't make you flip out and always kept a calm demeanor I never have seen you as a vindictive calous person. The person written about and the person I've met don't seem the same.

Date: 2009-12-28 08:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I am fortunate that most people who allow themselves to get to know me in real life, especially if they have known her for long enough, will find that many of the things she claims about me are not possible. The problem is that nearly all of her stories have at least a grain of truth in them, regardless of how she has twisted it.

Date: 2010-01-06 03:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Moving forward can always be a difficult thing when the old signposts of previous times glare brightly and demand attention. You have those that care about you helping you move forward and you have a good head on your shoulders. I am sure you will move out of that 'funk' and into a clearer space. :)

April 2017

1617 1819202122

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 22nd, 2017 06:12 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios