johnny_dog: (neutral)
[personal profile] johnny_dog

I made the mistake of link-wandering and found myself in my exwife’s LiveJournal today. I was curious to see if she ever though of me these days so I scanned though and I found two horrifying entries describing a past that just never was. The things she said about me were so horrible and so far from the way things really were that I felt betrayed and harmed and I let myself fall into a malaise.

My first action was to document the two entries and make sure that they were recorded as they where entered in case she later changed them. I then researched the law and discovered that Colorado and Florida both have felony libel laws that I could invoke. After going through old police reports, letters to our lawyer from when we were fighting the Colorado legal system, as well as photos, documents, and even chat logs from the time we were together and shortly after our divorce, I was quite sure I had everythign I would need to persue such a case. Yet as much as her lies are hurting me right now, at this time I cannot bring myself to do this and know the irreparable damage such an action would cause to her life and her dreams. The option will remain open to me and if I am forced to take it I will, but for now I decided upon another path.

[info]kupok and [info]frynge both tried to console me; both of them telling me how she wasn’t worth the pain I was in. Of course, they were right. So I sat down with the intention to write an entry of my own and counter everything she said with my own views on the events, backed up by scans of pictures, love notes, legal papers, and so on. The more I thought about it, the more it just seemed petty and not worth the effort. While her lies deeply hurt me, I guess I simply pity her more than anything. For me, her memories are lies and I can document a great deal of my version of the truth, but for her, she truly believes that things happened like she wrote them and that life with me really was the nightmare she describes. That is so sad.

To conclude this journal entry, I shall transmute the pain and hurt that she has caused me and instead or lashing out I shall list some of the good things that she has directly or indirectly manifested in my life.

  • My religious awakening from Christianity to Paganism
  • My affiliation with Starmoon coven
  • My polyamorous lifestyle
  • My enjoyment of John Denver’s music
  • My enjoyment of Piers Anthony’s Xanth series
  • My acceptance of my own bisexuality
  • My unbroken vow that I would never be in another physically abusive relationship again
  • My joy at reading that our cats Skyclad and Merlin were still alive and with her, though I am sad at not seeing Plato’s name and I hope that his passing was gentle
  • And most importantly: her driving me to perform the ritual suicide and magial rites necessary to start my life over which has led to many wonderful lovers and especially to my mate Kupok, without whom I would have little reason left to care about anyone or anything.
If I were even a fraction of the monster that she now makes me out to be, I cannot fathom why she would have asked to have had her handfasting in my house, with me not only attending but one of the officiating priests, and with her and her kind and soft-spoken mate staying in the bedroom beside my own. I am still sorry my puppy ate one of her shoes.

Maybe in another ten years I will have healed enough that I will be able to go to our high school class reunion without fear and dread of the possibility of interacting with her. Unfortunately, as long as she truly believes the lies she writes about our past together, I dare not risk such an encounter and the drama it would bring. As much as I hate to admit this, despite all the pain and torment still in my own heart from our turbulent five-year marriage, a part of me still cares for her and is sad to see how cruel life and karma have been to her.

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